From the mind of Uwe Boll and the wallet of a bunch of suckers comes Zombie Massacre! Oh Lordy, I cants waits fer this.

A nuclear blast from Uwe Boll and the Italian horror mafia! “Zombie Massacre” teaser is waking our desires – dark, futuristic and exploding of uber-cool FX! Orgh vargas!

Did you just read that friggin paragraph?!!! “Uber-cool FX!!!!” I mean that lady went from the picture of health to “HOLY CRAP GET ME AN ORTHODONTIST” in about ten seconds…

I had no idea that painfully obvious CG explosions caused such outrageously poor oral hygiene. I will from this moment on try to avoid radiation and/or microwaves from this day forward as I deeply fear spontaneous tooth growth and insta-rot.

I don’t want to make a blanket judgment on Uwe Boll’s movies (Mainly because he’s a boxer and could probably beat me up), but have you seen the turds this guy makes. The last zombie movie he made that I saw was “House of the Dead” after which I jammed a pencil into my ear in a vain hope that it would kill all the brain cells held the memories of that epic piece of cinematic offal. I should do a review of it to warn people from it, except I would have to see it again and the pain is still too fresh. (Hint: I didn’t care for “House of the Dead”)

I have no hope that “Zombie Massacre” isn’t going to be a massive steaming pile of fertilizer liberally spiced with broken dreams and shattered careers. That being said… I’ll probably still see it.

…Also sadly the pencil trick didn’t work, I did however forget my phone number for about six months.