She was so overwhelmed by my wisdom that she spent the night on the couch… With a bat. Now she won’t make eye contact. My wife and I have a very healthy relationship…. She shakes a lot. I choose to believe it’s not a result of intense dread.

Most (ALL) men hate it when their spouse gives them a look and asks them what they are thinking. We know what you want. You want to be told we are thinking about us, our relationship, and love. So much love with the loving love of loveitude. Loveitude is a real word. Why would I make that up?

But we aren’t thinking that, we rarely think about that, and we get incredibly annoyed when we’re put on the spot and forced to lie for you because reasons. That’s not fair to us, please stop that.

I resolved not to lie to my wife. When she asks me what I’m thinking, I tell her the truth. The unvarnished truth in all it’s glorious macabre splendor.

She doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think those thoughts. I love my wife and think she’s awesome…. But her timing sucks and she never asks about my thoughts when I’m all pleasant and adorable. No, she asks me what I’m thinking when what’s going through my brain is a nightmarish hellscape of random horrors and anxieties I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Such is life.