Eleven years of marriage I have managed to not rip one off in front of my wife. And at no small gastro-intestinal cost I’ll have you know. It was the end of an era, and I shall always pay the price for my weakness. My wife of course finds my odd reticence to “pass wind” in front of her or anyone else to be yet another one of my odd quarks. An oddity that she cannot abide. Damn it.

Can I share something with you? We’re friends right? Right? I do not find toilet humor very funny. I just don’t. Never have, in fact I find most bodily functions horrifying in the extreme. I find all the normal functions of the human body have horribly repellent smells and it nauseates me. It doesn’t make me laugh.

This squishy smelly husk that my withered black soul currently inhabits is a Devil’s factory of horrible smells and secretions the likes of which would drive H.P. Lovecraft mad. Every day I am greeted by fresh horror as my disgusting and vile body betrays me with each awful metabolic action it takes.

I look forward to the day far in the future when I can replace the flesh, which is weak, with steal, which is strong. Sadly for the moment I am unable to live my dream of becoming a multi-tonne death dealing cyborg and must continue to inhabit this gross pile of man flesh. This farting pooping pile of man flesh.

I NEED A SHOWER!

For the record that last panel is entirely accurate. I immediately ran outside and screamed to the heavens my rage. ….My neighbors think I’m weird.