Top Ten Zombies of Badassadness
Top ten zombies, the ultimate list of zombie badassadness. Let’s face it being a zombie isn’t exactly the same as developing super powers or discovering you’re really good at math. If anything it’s a pretty severe handicap. So what qualifies a zombie for extreme badassedness?
I say it’s ability to adapt and overcome, to rise up and fight the oppressive regime of the living despite your decrepit rotting body. This list celebrates the top ten zombies who epitomize zombie badassadness in all it’s glory.
Top Ten Zombies #10 Mum (Dead Alive, 1992) Directed by Peter Jackson
“A young man’s mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors.
Mum played by Elizabeth Moody”
They say an artist is never truly free until his parents are dead (Sorry mom), but for Lionel Cosgrove the poor guy isn’t even free then. Taking care of his zombie mom becomes an escalating problem. Sure in the end Lionel manages to finally defeat his mother, but not before she makes his life a horrific nightmare of the living dead and converts most of the neighborhood to the wonder and majesty that is zombification.
Mum achieves great heights of badassadness after somehow managing to grow to gigantic proportions, destroying the house, and finally making her wussy son man up. So for good parenting alone Mum makes the list of the top ten most badass zombies.
Top Ten Zombies #9 Julie Walker (Return of the Living Dead III, 1993)
Government scientists continue their work on re-animating the dead for military use.
Julie Walker played by Melinda Clarke
Hot zombie redhead? …. Yes please. After being exposed to Trioxin gas, totally hot Julie Walker joins the ranks of the living dead and goes on the run with her boyfriend. The problem then becomes how does this disturbingly attractive zombie avoid devouring the tasty snack that is her boyfriend’s delicious brains?
By turning herself into a zombie pincushion of course. Extreme piercing seems to be the key for her amazing zombie self control. By focusing on her self inflicted pain Julie, the zombie, is able to ignore her hunger and need for brains.
This makes total sense and I highly recommend this as the next dieting craze. Next time someone offers you cake you simply say, “No thanks I’ll pass on desert, I’m too busy shoving needles in my butt cheeks”
To be fair this movie was made in 1993 when putting a ridiculous amount of holes in your body was seen as edgy and weird. Of course these days if you don’t pierce every part of your long suffering body with various shiny shiny things then it’s you who are the freak.
I’m old so I still think piercings are kinda icky…. though I seem to have no problem with zombie women for some reason.
Top Ten Zombies #8 Jason Voorhees (Friday 13th)
Jason is back, hockey mask and all, to continue his murderous rampage across Crystal Lake.
Jason Voorhees has more undead lives than a bucket full of undead cats. I also like to throw him into this list just to start arguments on whether Jason Voorhees is a zombie. Hell yes he’s a zombie, he’s been killed and brought back to life more times than Dracula only with absolutely none of the sex appeal.
Unless you’re into weird stuff like that, I’m not here to judge you.
Jason Voorhees is a notable badass zombie in that despite being a dead guy he’s utterly unstoppable. Any defeat he suffers is merely temporary, and he loves to punish teenagers for having sex. This will come in handy as my own daughter gets older. It’s just good parenting when you can show your impressionable children the premarital sex always leads to horrific and painful death.
I’m a good dad.
Top Ten Zombies #7 Dr. Carl Hill (The Reanimator, Bride of the Reanimator)
Doctors Herbert West and Dan Cain discover the secret to bringing the dead back to life and proceed to create a perfect woman from dead tissue. (Because that is ultimately the goal of every nerd out there)
Dr. Carl Hill played by David Gale
Dr. Carl Hill is the main antogonist in these two Reanimator movies. Why is he a badass you ask? Simple because he’s a decapitated zombie. A zombie head with creepy hypnotic powers and eventually FRIKK’N BATWINGS STITCHED TO HIS HEAD!
Yeah, that’s right he gets bat wings stitched to the sides of his head so he can fly around wielding the power of his mind against his enemies.
And does this badass zombie hold a grudge? Hell yes he does. But not because he got turned into a zombie. That’s crazy talk. Nope he’s pissed because Herbert West is smarter than he is and because he doesn’t get the girl he’s obsessed with. He’s an angry zombie head with bat wings.
Top Ten Zombies #6 Evil Ash (Army of Darkness, 1992)
Ash is accidentally transported to 1300 A.D., where he must battle an army of the dead and retrieve the Necronomicon so he can return home.
Evil Ash played by Legendary Bruce Campbell
To create a truly badass zombie you must first start out with a truly badass individual. And there is no one more badass than Sir Bruce Campbell. So when his parasitic deadite twin comes back from the dead to lead an army of the undead against the living you know he’s a badass.
This powerhouse of manly zombiism strikes down knights, man-at-arms, and punches Bruce in the face in his relentless pursuit of the dreaded Necronomicon. The book of the dead.
Evil Ash as a zombie general is of course undefeatable and unkillable by any normal man. In fact it takes the one being more badass than he to ultimately destroy him… The great and powerful Bruce Campbell.
Top Ten Zombies #5 “Underwater Zombie” (Zombie 2, 1979)
Four strangers looking for a woman’s father arrive at a tropical island where a doctor desperately searches for the cause and cure of a recent epidemic of the undead.
The “Underwater Zombie” played by Ramón Bravo
You would think that topless Italian actresses scuba diving out in the middle the ocean would NOT run into zombies, but you’d be wrong. This badass zombie enjoys swimming, ambushing clothing challenged starlets, and picking fights with sharks. Despite his rotting body he takes a huge old chunk of shark meat out of his prey.
That’s right, this SOB picks fights with the alpha predators of the ocean and takes a chunk out of them. His fierceness is legendary… which is in stark contrast to his more land bound brethren who are so slow and weak that a teenager with a sixpack of Redbull and a hammer could have easily stopped that zombie apocalypse.
Top Ten Zombies #4 Fido (Fido, 2006)
Timmy Robinson’s best friend in the whole wide world is a six-foot tall rotting zombie named Fido.
Fido played by Billy Connoly
Being a zombie is hard and in the movie “Fido” Billy Connoly’s character is at the very bottom of the social ladder. Essentially he is slave zombie labor in a messed up zombie apocalypse version of the 50’s. He and his fellow zombies are kept under control by a behavior inhibiting collar around the neck. His future looks bleak until the collar malfunctions allowing his inner badassedness to come out.
Suddenly he’s making a meal of the more annoying character and setting up a chain of events that fundamentally changes the town and the family he’s with. Also he gets to be with Trinity from “The Matrix” in the end which is always awesome.
Top Ten Zombies #3 Big Daddy (Land of the Dead, 2005)
The living dead have taken over the world, and the last humans live in a walled city to protect themselves as they come to grips with the situation.
Big Daddy played by Eugene Clark
Being a Romero Zombie means having a bad day, every day. You tend to be pretty slow, it’s really hard to think, your gradually falling apart, and stupid jerk humans are always picking on you. Well what’s a zombie to do?
How about get a bunch of your zombie buddies together, teach them how to use weapons and go track down and kick a little human ass! And that’s exactly what Big Daddy does.
Do those silly humans think all this water is going to stop these zombie. Pffft Zombies don’t need to breath and have no problem walking along the bottom. Suck it, stupid humans! Next time pick on a less feisty zombie.
Top Ten Zombies #2 Bub (Day of the Dead, 1985)
A small group of military officers and scientists dwell in an underground bunker as the world above is overrun by zombies.
Bub played by Howard Sherman
Another Romero Zombie being treated badly by the stupid humans. His only friend is Dr. Frankenstein who is trying to figure out a way to domesticate the dead. It that a stupid idea? You betchya! It is quite possibly the dumbest idea that has ever been posed in the history of the zombie genre. Never the less the well meaning yet impracticable doctor is Bud’s only friend.
In every zombie movie the humans can always be relied on to screw up and get themselves killed. So when it hit’s the fan Bub witnesses the death of Dr. Frankenstein at the hands of Lieutenant Rhoades. Now he’s pissed.
Rising above the horrible disability of being a zombie Bub picks up a gun and shoots Lt. Rhoades leaving him to the Tender mercies of the hungry dead. (Spoilers, it ends badly for him)
For avenging the death of Dr. Frankenstein and popping a cap in the sinister Lieutenant Rhoades Bub gets a high spot on the list of most badass zombies.
Top Ten Zombies #1 Tar Man (Return of the Living Dead, 1985)
When two bumbling employees accidentally damage his container they inadvertently release the deadly Trioxin gas as well as Tar Man. The deadly gas brings the dead back to life who now hunger for the brains of the living to stop the pain of being dead. (Awesome right)
Tarman played by Allan Trautman
Tarman is smart, fast, and unkillable. This impressive specimen of the zombie species talks and reasons despite his advanced state of decay. At one point Tar Man even operates a winch to get at his prey’s tasty tasty brains. Proving that no human is safe from a thinking zombie.
The main reason for him being a badass though is his amazing set of choppers. Those are the whitest whites I’ve ever seen. This guy is the poster boy for perfect dental hygiene. I don’t know what Trioxin gas is made of but I’m sure it must be very similar to fluoride.