And Edward Cullen goes down to ignominious defeat. Bested by the ferocity of vampires much much greater than he. It could end in no other way.
Posts Tagged ‘Vampires’
Running a blood cult is probably pretty difficult. You’ve got to pay for all those robes, sacrificial knives, and I bet your dry cleaning bill is horrendous. Have you ever tried to get blood out of your cult robes? It’s not easy let me tell you. Club soda will not get that out.
Also where in the hell do you buy club soda? There is no club soda isle in my local grocery store. I think people made it up because they are just too embarrassed to admit they are using plain old water.
Okay that’s probably not true, but it is super super SUPER late right now and I’m just writing whatever dumb thoughts are going through my feebly working brain at the moment. Weren’t we talking about vampire blood cults?
So am I the only one who remembers American Gladiators, and I’m talking the original American gladiators. Wikipedia informs me that there have been two other runs of that horrible show and they are working on a third. Super. That’s just super. A bunch of roided out weirdos who were paid to be way too excited about their jobs compete with the “everyman” for prizes. Unless they take out the padded weapons and give them real working swords, axes, and maces I don’t care.
I’m so tired.
Being a vegetarian vampire would be hard. Especially when you have to interact with potential food sources every single time you go out. It would be like being hungry and hanging out at a party talking with perfectly grilled hamburgers. Okay probably not. I think you can only have that experience if you are really really high. So maybe in Colorado.
I read that whole Twilight series where they are constantly calling themselves vegetarian vampires because they don’t eat people. Of course then they go out at night and hunt mountain lions and bears for blood. That kind of irritated me. Leave the poor mountain lions alone you glittery jerk. Buy some cows and drink their blood. There are whole tribes of people in Africa who do that and the cow is hardly harmed at all. I watch a lot of documentaries.
Anyway my point is that being a vegetarian vampire would be hard. I bet it would be even harder on the other vampires though if that vegetarian vampire got all preachy about it though. Still writers like to use the vegetarian vampire idea in their novels to make the characters more palatable (pun intended) to their readers. After all it’s hard to sympathize with a character who’s supposed to be the hero and is running around ripping throats out and being gross.
It’s even harder still to picture that same vampire as a love interest in one of those Teen Paranormal Romance novels that my wife buys by the metric tonne. Twilight would have read much differently if Edward Cullen would have had no self control and would have been casually ripping people’s throats out and draining people dry in messy ways. Although I won’t lie, if that would have happened I personally would have liked the story better. But then I was kind of hoping Bella would have been eaten at some point.
A Vampire obsession is something I don’t understand. Here’s a reason that vampires suck (Pun intended). They are almost always portrayed in film and movies as being completely obsessed with blood. Unable to resist it’s crimson lure. No vampire can control their vampire obsession when faced with somebody with a nosebleed. They will pounce and drain the poor victim in a terrible display of poor table manners and ridiculous loss of control.
Vampires are pathetically weak then. Why you ask?
Look I like Mt. Dew. I like hamburgers. If I forget to have lunch and you set these two tasty snacks before me I’m not going to lose control and debase myself like a spaz by gobbling them up. Getting Mt. Dew and hamburger chunks messily all over my face. NO! This will not happen. I reject your vampire obsessions.
Vampires do it all the time. They can’t even stop themselves from slather all that blood all over their faces. Sloppy table manners are a mark of poor breeding I say. This is why I don’t understand why they are such a “sex symbol” for so many people.
Imagine something for a moment. You have met this seductive stranger. They are intoxicating, mysterious, and probably a snappy dresser. Pretty hot right? But every time they take you out to eat they bury their face in their mashed potatoes and grunt like a lunatic. Mashed potatoes go everywhere and you are mortified.
Is this hot? Hell no I say.
Edward Cullen’s gross love life is a topic of regular discussion in my home. Mainly because my wife is a Twilight fan and because as a professional A-hole I enjoy ruining things that other people care about. It’s what I do, It’s what I love. So I thoroughly enjoy pointing out how creepy Edward Cullen the character really is.
I take great pride in the fact that as of this moment when you type the keywords “Edward Cullen Sucks” into Google image search the zombiefied version of Edward Cullen from this comic appears third. That’s an achievement to be proud of.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I’ve read the Twilight series and I’m fully aware that Stephanie Myer did not write them for me. If she would have then Edward Cullen would have been more of a badass and there would have been way more explosions. Possibly a cool car chase with helicopters and a sassy monkey sidekick.
See! Do you see this? This is how weird fan fiction starts. You get obsessed with something in a story and you either want to change it or you want to continue the story. Often times you end up putting yourself into the story and creating what’s called a “Mary Sue” character. Arguably that is the greatest criticism of the whole series is that it reads like a big giant Mary Sue story.
My wife doesn’t care. Despite Edward Cullen’s many many flaws she still likes him. I’m going to have to make my piece with that. Especially since my own fandoms are also so horribly vulnerable to criticism. Painfully so in fact.
On a side note, the actor Robert Pattinson who played Edward. You know he has to have Googled himself before. I wonder if he’s seen my comic version of him? And I wonder if he wants to punch me in the face. Probably.
Before Vampires were sexy they were hideous monsters, they reeked of death and were harbingers of disease. Before vampires were sexy they had a lot more in common with modern day zombies. Sadly all that changed with Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” written in 1897. That’s when you start seeing vampires being elevated from common folk tale monsters to a position as anti-heroes, and sex symbols.
The zombie apocalypse genre owes it’s very existence to vampires as “Night of the Living Dead” was heavily influenced by the novel “I am Legend” written by Richard Matheson. It’s a novel where everyone in the world has been turned into vampires except for one man. A great novel by the way and definitely tales a story before vampires were sexy as well.
I personally like hearing the folk tale stories about vampires, because before vampires were sexy they were terrifying. There were times of mass hysteria in Europe over the horror of vampires at one point. These days vampires just have to spackle on a thick layer of pastiness and glitter and socially awkward girls will throw themselves at them.
This is patently unfair if you ask me. I champion the cause of the undead, but to be more specific. Zombies. And when it comes to sexiness zombies can’t hold a candle to vampires. Sadly this was not always the case.
Oh in case you were wondering count Orlok is the name of the vampire in the movie “Nosferatu” which was a rip off of Dracula. Still a cool movie though.
Let’s talk about things I’m legitimately afraid of. No not my ex-wife this time….. Ba dum dum k’tshshshsshhhhhh! (Sorry I couldn’t help that.)
I’m talking about ghosts. I watch zombie movies, read about zombies, and talk about those smelly buggers daily. But I can’t say I’m actually afraid of them. I can’t be, they are too easy to kill. But how do you kill a ghost that comes after you? Salt? Look I like Supernatural as much as the next guy but that’s just a show. I don’t think ghosts obey those rules.
I’ve had a very genuine fear of ghost for as long as I can remember with no end in sight. I’m even friends with some very nice and enthusiastic “Ghost Hunters” and have gone on ghost tours with them…. Still afraid of them.
So I rewatched The Ring again recently. And I’m not embarrassed to admit that I shrieked a bit and may have soiled myself. So I had that movie on the brain when I was drawing this comic.