You play “Left 4 Dead II” long enough you start asking yourself some questions….. Questions like… “Who the crap keeps leaving all these shots of Adrenaline around?!” Don’t they realize that I have a highly addictive personality.

Those son’s of….. why do they hate me soo much? ….Oh yeah… the stalking and late night creepy phone calls. I forgot.

Look, Valve, you should consider my stalking you as the highest form of flattery. Sure I probably shouldn’t do it naked slathered in jello pudding, but I have a style. It’s just what I do. And quite frankly I’d appreciate it if you would tell your security guard to use a different brand of Mace, the one they use now gives me a rash that lasts for days.

Here’s an interesting stat today. In the time that “Left 4 Dead 2″ has been out you people have beaten the crap out of 28,981,249,043 zombies.

Do you realize what this means?… No? It means that when the zombie apocalypse finally does come you people are going to be so thoroughly trained in how to deal with it that we don’t have to worry…. well except for the 28,981,249,043 billion of you that are going to have to get pummeled.

Since there’s only about 6 billion of you on the planet now, that means REPEAT PUMMELINGS… sorry about that.

While your training is good news, here’s some even better news. Those kind hearted souls at Valve are releasing some shiny new Downloadable Content in march in the form of a new Campaign called “The Passage”

No word on how much it’s going to cost, but according to these screen shots I blatently stole from another site it will be at night (Oooh darkness, spooky!). It’ll also feature a new zombie boss called the “Fallen survivor.” He’ll drop usefull items like healthpacks when you blow his head off…. Isn’t that considerate of him? I think so.

Anyway check out my stolen screenshots, because they are awesome.

See that tank? He's going to have his way with you.

Runaway! Runaway!

Dark alleys and zombies... Never a good combination.

The zompocalypse.... so beautiful!

With “Left 4 Dead 2″ out I’m having funn coming out with new concept art for the game. And sadly Valve is running out of time to HIRE ME for their next version of “Left 4 Dead”. Hire me dang you!

Anyway, I thought it would be cool if the characters had somebody shooting back at them. Hey just because they are zombies doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t handle fire arms. And what is more terrifying than a zombie who’s packing some heat?

A zombie who’s packing heat and wants to give you a full body cavity search. Be afraid.

By the way, you get extra points if you got the “Cool Hand Luke” reference. I love old movies and think it’s pretty sad that the kids these days rarely know anything about them.

Why Valve doesn’t hire me right this very instant I will never know. These ideas are gold, Jerry! Pure Gold!

Or retarded…. Whatever.

I love the idea of having the “Uncommon Infected” in the next “Left 4 Dead” game. I’ve seen the guys in the hasmat suits, The mud men, and the spitter concept art (Be still my beating heart, she was smok’n hot)

But you know that if the zombpocalypse was happening reporters would be all over the place, despite the fact that the only sane course of action is to flee…. Or go looting.

Soon they would become part of the story and then why should they change their behavior just because they are dead. I’ll be honest if I become a zombie it’s highly likely that no one will notice for a very long time (It’s the Nerd stench… We nerds refuse to bath and we really enjoy shuffling around moaning about our nerd issues.)

Another “Left 4 Dead 2″ Concept art from your’s truly. Why Valve doesn’t hire me for my super awesome ideas I will never know. I mean why would you want just plain old zombies when you could have super awesome (and sexy) midgets chasing people down.

Since this version of “Left 4 Dead” is set mostly in the south I wanted to have some true southern flavor. Now if nine and a half years of public edjumacation has taught me anything, it’s that the south is swarming with cute and adorable midgets. Midgets who carry big boards with nails in them.

Public Edjumacation has also taught me that I am the root of all the worlds problem and also that I should power my house with wind. I had no idea that I was so important… and evil.

Thanks Mrs. Tavishaw…. And thank you, our nation’s low edjumackation standards.

BTW. Yes I know that you don’t spell Edjumacation that way…. I always forget to add the silent “Q.”

Recently Overly sensitive Dillhole, Willie Jefferson, who writes for the Houston Chronicle made a stink over his accusations of racism in Valve’s latest game “Left 4 Dead 2.” According to the Overly sensitive writer with an ax to grind:

“Left 4 Dead 2 is “disturbing” because “several” of the zombies are African-American.” (As apposed to ALL the white zombies getting gunned down… Which apparently is okay and proper to this dumb@$$)

“I am disturbed by the growing trend of racist undertones that are cropping up in video games,” writes Jefferson. “One of the games that comes to mind is Left 4 Dead 2 … Set in New Orleans, players will have to fight their way through hordes of zombies – with several of them who appear to be African-Americans. (Holy Crap! There are black people in New Orleans? When did this happen?! How weird! Well during a zombie apocolypse I’m sure nothing will happen to them so the idea that some zombies might be black is crazy talk and clearly RACIST!)

When I saw the first trailer for the game, all I could think about was Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath.” (Possibly you think of that first because your life is an empty shell devoid of all meaning except your crusade to inject problems where there aren’t any… Just a guess)

Attn: Willie Jefferson, if your seeing racism in this game I’m going to have to say that your bringing your own prejudices in with you and maybe you should sign yourself up for your companies next sensitivity training seminar.

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Left 4 Dead writer Chet Faliszek was quite frank with his response.

“Utter insanity,” says Faliszek, when sharing his opinion on the controversy. “There are mixed races of zombies, there are all different races of zombies that you shoot, and since we placed it in New Orleans, that makes it racist? I honestly re-read the paragraph about five times … but when two of the characters in your game are African-American, it’s a weird thing to be accused of. We’re like, ‘how does this work’?

“… As far as Katrina goes, if you go down to New Orleans, Katrina’s still going on. I mean, it’s messed up, it is crazy that the city is still in the state it’s in, and we treat that with the utmost respect. Our CEDA thing is not some subversive commentary on anything. This is a videogame, those are real people’s lives, we are not trying to make a statement with that … It’s a place we love, it’s dear to our hearts. We would not cheapen it. It’s not a brick-for-brick representation of New Orleans; it’s a fictional version, and I love that city.”

Well with any luck I’ve offended many many overly sensitive and uptight idiots. I enjoy that. If you would like to send me hate mail please do. I find it highly entertaining. Click here to tell me how I suck.

Ha! Bet you can’t hate me more than my ex-wife!!! I don’t fear your scorn…… Oh God!!! Please love me!!! Love meeeeeeee!!!

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And here is some more of my concept art for “Left 4 Dead 2″: Electric Boogaloo.

I love voodoo stories and before Romero Came along with “Night of the Living Dead” sadly Voodoo Witch Doctors were pretty much our main source of the living dead.

Now we live in a more enlightened time where you can apparently catch some delightful disease from your breakfast bacon and be damned to walk the blasted earth eternally hungering for the flesh of the living.

Now Valve has a chance to bring the “Voodoo zombie” back to prominence so that it may take it’s rightful place in the shambling pantheon of zombie lore.

…That and I think they should view my awesome concepts and totally give me a job doing this all day. (I love you, Valve, and I will have your collective baby… P.S. Dang it! Not going to happen, I’m still a guy.)