And Edward Cullen goes down to ignominious defeat. Bested by the ferocity of vampires much much greater than he. It could end in no other way.
Posts Tagged ‘Edward Cullen’
Edward Cullen’s least awesome vampire power has to be without a doubt reading minds. Sure that sound’s like a great vampire power, but it’s not.
Think about it. Think about what goes through your evil twisted brain on a daily basis. Thoughts that you would never say. Terrible debased thoughts that would bring nothing but shame and horror if anyone else knew.
Now take those terrible thoughts and multiply them by six billion other terrible people walking the planet. Would you really want to know that? I wouldn’t.
If I was privy to the thoughts of everyone around me all the time I’d have to move as far away from people as I could possibly manage.
And that’s why Edward Cullen gets the shaft when it comes to vampire powers. The poor guy if anything deserves our pity. His girlfriend is a sad awkward Mary Sue character, he can’t go outside without looking like a walking disco ball, and he has to listen to all the mundane, idiotic, and perverted thoughts running through six billion aweful people.
Worse vampire power ever.
Edward Cullen’s gross love life is a topic of regular discussion in my home. Mainly because my wife is a Twilight fan and because as a professional A-hole I enjoy ruining things that other people care about. It’s what I do, It’s what I love. So I thoroughly enjoy pointing out how creepy Edward Cullen the character really is.
I take great pride in the fact that as of this moment when you type the keywords “Edward Cullen Sucks” into Google image search the zombiefied version of Edward Cullen from this comic appears third. That’s an achievement to be proud of.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I’ve read the Twilight series and I’m fully aware that Stephanie Myer did not write them for me. If she would have then Edward Cullen would have been more of a badass and there would have been way more explosions. Possibly a cool car chase with helicopters and a sassy monkey sidekick.
See! Do you see this? This is how weird fan fiction starts. You get obsessed with something in a story and you either want to change it or you want to continue the story. Often times you end up putting yourself into the story and creating what’s called a “Mary Sue” character. Arguably that is the greatest criticism of the whole series is that it reads like a big giant Mary Sue story.
My wife doesn’t care. Despite Edward Cullen’s many many flaws she still likes him. I’m going to have to make my piece with that. Especially since my own fandoms are also so horribly vulnerable to criticism. Painfully so in fact.
On a side note, the actor Robert Pattinson who played Edward. You know he has to have Googled himself before. I wonder if he’s seen my comic version of him? And I wonder if he wants to punch me in the face. Probably.
It’s been a while since I made fun of Twilight. Lets start with some Twilight Plot holes. I had the painful experience of having to watch that movie again. That’s right, I’ve seen it twice now, and it didn’t get any better the second time through.
There are so many Twilight Plot Holes in this movie I was losing what’s left of my mind.
In fact you start asking yourself why these characters make so many dumb choices. For instance, why are these glittery weirdos going to highschool in the first place. “They Say” they are going so they can appear younger and thus be able to stay in an area longer.
That’s pretty damned stupid. How about tell everyone your home schooled or better yet a drop out. Then you don’t have any homework at all. Or here’s a brilliant idea. DON’T TALK TO YOUR NEIGHBORS AT ALL!!! Ya blood sucking morons. None of them appear to enjoy it, in fact it’s an ordeal for them. So what the hell?
I’ve been in my neighborhood for seven years, I’ve never even seen the guy who lives across the street from me. For all I know he could be a vampire…. or he could be the damned Loch Ness Monster for all I know (That would be pretty awesome actually). And he’s across the street. You mean to tell me a bunch of vampires couldn’t keep a low profile when their house is out in the woods…. Really?
Other Twilight Plot Holes that drives me crazy. “HIGHSCHOOL FOREVER!” Experiences will vary, but high school for me was the single most horrible three years of my life. If I had to do that forever I would do something suitably entertaining to end my pain. It’s just my opinion that the only good thing about highschool is that it ends.
If if makes you feel better, I took notes much to my wife’s dismay and there will be future Twilight Plot Holes comics in the future.
Damn you Edward Cullen!!!
Edward Cullen, a character written to be the perfect man. A man to make all teanage girls little hearts flutter and for all married woman to judge their husbands against…. and to find them wanting.
But what happens when that glittery jerk isn’t around Bella and can “Let his hair down” so to speak. I submit to you that he’s just as big of a pig as the rest of us men. Possibly even more so.
This Christmas my wife has informed me that her and the other female members of my family are coming over to my house and are going to watch the next chapter in the “Twilight SAGA.” She has let it be known that “on pain of death” I am ordered to keep my big yapper shut. Apparently my hilarious comentary on the Edward/Bella epic romance is not appreciated. I feel sadness over this as I thought my witty remarks and mild criticisms were pretty damned funny…. they always made me laugh anyway.
Oh well, at least I get to make a webcomic about it to amuse myself. It’s what I do, it’s what I love.