1. Step One: Wait until your overly trusting wife is not looking, then betray said trust by stealing one of her photo albums. Remove and discard all the sentimental stuff.. i.e. Irreplacable pictures of your “loved ones.” Now strip the outside of it off till you expose the evil cardboard underneath. It should look like this.
Please not your descent into madness begins here…
2. Step Two: Purchase a package of “Super Sculpey” from the most hideous craft store you can find. When you hear the wailings of the damned you’ve found the right place. Also the little old ladies coming in and our of this abode of the damned should be fairly recognizable with all the tenticles and disturbing gutteral language. When you’ve got your sculpey now start bulking out some evil shapes on the cardboard.
By now you may notice you are starting to have fitfull dreams of a cyclopean city beneath the waves and you are fealing a strange tingle in the back of your skull as if something is scratching for purchase in your mind…. Don’t worry this is perfectly normal.
3. Step Three: Keep bulking out your shapes and scraping away sculpey in other areas to make as many maddening curves as you like. Those of you who took advanced Non-euclidean geometry in high school should find this easy… provided your still somewhat sane. Don’t worry about making anything smooth yet or putting in texture.
The voices in your head are probably becoming louder now making it a bit difficult to manage your personal life. You may notice that you begin laughing hysterically at inapropriate moments like when your wife and children leave you, when the police start questioning you, and even when watching an Adam Sandler movie. That guys just not funny.
4. Step Four: Now to add detail. When you’ve got your shapes about right smooth everything down with some turpintine and a soft brush. Turpintine disolves sculpey and is great for smoothing things. When it’s as smooth as you like. Let it dry. Now is when I add skin texture and wrinkles. Take a wire and lightly brush it all over the sculpey however you think wrinkles should go (A mirror will help with this as this whole process has probably prematurely aged you. In fact you should be looking a bit cadaverous as well… yummy) When you’ve gouged up your nice work and starting to get worried you’ve ruined it take some more turpentine and knock back the texture with the brush. Let it dry. Keep doing this till your satisfied… Or untill Dread Cthulhu orders you to stop.
When it’s dry, stumble/drag yourself to your kitchen and place it in the oven. No don’t put your head inside, that’s the cowards way out. Cook it for about a half hour at about 250 degrees. It’s going to stink a bit and be smokey… kinda like you at this point.
Don’t overcook it or it will warp the board.
The voices in your head have become screams. You may notice strange sores appearing on your body that don’t seam to heal. This could be from this whole process…. or maybe you shouldn’t have dated that stripper. What was her name… Bambi something. Did you know she used to be a dude?
5. Step Five: Yeah! Go out and get some black primer from your local hobby store. Don’t worry about your hideous stench and sudden lack of social skills. At a hobby shop you will blend right in. (Come on guys. Soap. It’s not Kryptonite. Take a bath every once in a while.) Spray your little abomination till he’s good and black…. Then when your done spraying your child and social services has taken him away spray the book you’ve been working on. Now it’s on to the other side.
Those sores have started to grow… Holy crap! That one has a face! That is soooo cool.