And this is why I don’t have a Twitter account, and I’m not allowed to text unsupervised anymore. These events are 100% true and are a testament to my everlasting shame and extreme lack of impulse control.

Sadly this was not an isolated incident as I continue to make poor life choices and depending on how much caffeine I’ve had I get what is “Lovingly” referred to as “the crankies.”

“The crankies” are a horrible degenerative condition that I TELL MY WIFE the only treatment is video games, Mt. Dew, and sex. To be administered frequently lest I have a relapse. Oh it’s a horrible condition, never the less I will nobly persevere in the face of adversity.