If you have kids you’ve had to endure the grueling experience of reading bedtime stories to them. That’s not a bad thing except for the fact that those stories are pure unadulterated bullplop. What kind of crap is this? And what type of message is that for kids?
In “The Princess and the Pea” this woman just shows up to the castle claiming to be a princess. Okay, fine. But what is the genius test they use to determine if this is true? They make a super comfy bed for her except for one single tiny pea hidden under the bottom mattress. And this unbearably weak, high maintenance woman can’t handle that! What the hell!
Do you know how royalty became royalty in the first place? It’s because they beat the crap out of anyone else who tried to tell them what to do. They were the biggest and strongest in the tribe and kicked butt so they could be in charge. Then they went to the next tribe and beat them up too. Eventually they called that a kingdom. But nothing lasts forever. Royalty starts marrying off their kids to other royalty and the gene pool starts getting pretty shallow.
Eventually someone’s going to have a kid who can’t stop having nosebleeds. This is when your kingdom starts going to crap.
Now back to when I tell these stories to my own children. Well let’s just say I like to add my own “REVISED” message to these bedtime tales. Sometimes it’s to be more realistic, sometimes it’s to change a terrible moral message, and yep let’s be honest… Sometimes I just like to mess with my kid’s heads.
It’s what I call good parenting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_13fpmsPik
The Princess and the Pea in Egypt as told by Horrible Histories.
I’m going to check that out as soon as I get home and the “Man” is no longer monitoring me.
You mean like how you were going to check out Raised by Zombies?
(here’s a link for the first season http://youtu.be/Us9c7rvcZw4)
Anyway, your version is like ten times better than the original. You should post some more revised bedtime stories.
Oh I will. I checked the stats on this and apparently the internet enjoys my questionable parenting.
But are you going to finally check out Raised by Zombies?
It should be worth nothing that in the chivalrous times of castles and kings and queens, it was considered more attractive and kingly to be fat and overweight. This was mostly because rich people had all the food they could eat. Therefor the basis of this comic is a bit misaligned since the commoner (especially a woman) would not have been strong or plump, and the princess likely would have had the “child bearing hips”.
Wow! I bet your a blast at parties.
J/K
Love the comic Carter. Feels good to post again. Been a while.
Good to have you back.
Aha, but that was precisely the point of my revised story to my daughter. The story book I was reading her was making a point that this woman was so beautiful and sensitive that somehow that made her a better princess. I think that’s crap of course.
When a quarter of your population can just die at any given time due to plague, famine, or just the gods being fickle you should marry the most physically robust person who will have you.
I read her Jack and the Beanstalk last night. However in my version Jack is a trespasser who ends up murdering a giant who was minding his own business.
Can I hear your version of the Billy Goats Gruff?
Yes, yes you can. But I warn you parts of it are not safe for work. Or anywhere else for that matter.
Can’t be worse then the original Brothers Grimm version
You should do a whole series of these. You could make a book just on carter’s fairy tales.
Most royalty didn’t become royalty because they were strongeer than everyone else, that was more in the time before royalty. The ones who became royalty were just better at scheming than everybody else(or alternatively, better at leading, but that probably wasn’t the usual case).
As for inbreeding, you should read A Song of Ice and Fire(If you haven’t already)(Books are a lot better than the tv series). Probably why Joffrey and half the Targaryens turn out crazy.
As compensation for dull comment, here’s a video. Also *stronger*
That’s pretty good. I’m impressed.
Perhaps, but scheming can only get you so far before you have to hit someone over the head with a club.
That’s how all my family reunions end anyway.