Awesome 2011 eleven is finally over, now it’s time for 2012… At the end of which we will probably all die. Damn you Mayans!

This is the traditional time of the year to go over one’s failures and make poorly conceived resolutions to not suck for the next year. They say if you tell people your resolutions you’re more likely to keep them. I suppose it’s the fear of those very people knowing you suck that forces you into trying to keep them.

With that in mind here’s my “Real” resolutions for the comic this year.

1. Get a one month buffer on the comic.
2. Publish the comic in books.
3. Go to four days a week update schedule.
4. Become the world’s leading expert on the undead in all their stinky form.
5. To crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Feel free to tell me I suck this time next year if I don’t accomplish these.

You’re not being paranoid, people (Or Zombies) really are out to get you.

So when someone knocks on your door begging to get in, sure it could be your Mom, Grandma, Kids, perhaps even the police, but it’s equally as likely to be a zombie just waiting to feast on your tasty tasty brain. Don’t take the chance, don’t open the door.

Sure I guess you could install some sort of peep hole, but come on that’s a lot of effort and involves using power tools. Best just to let your loved ones sleep out on the porch while you stay warm and inside playing video games and eating candy.

That’s an awesome zombie survival tip, I should charge for things like this.

Also this zombie portrait is of a friend of mine, he wanted to know what he would look like during the coming zombie apocalypse. Apparently he wont be shaving and mushrooms will be growing out of his back. I know what you’re thinking ladies (Damned sexy I know) but he’s married.

Sadly that’s one zombie who won’t be your boyfriend… unless you shoot his wife. You MONSTER! How could you even think of doing such a horrible thing! Ask me later and I’ll give you his address.

Ah kids, you can’t get mad at them, but you sure can slowly psychologically mess them up over the course of years until they are a rabid collection of various neurosis.  But then they leave the house and they are someone else’s problem right?

This is probably Karma for me giving my own parents huge amounts of crap growing up.  Now the wheel has turned and it’s my turn.

This is a random comic I just wanted to do. I thought it was funny. However, the idea of watching soo many zombie flicks that you become a tad bit hyper sensitive to them is not very far fetched.

When I was a pimply teenager instead of a pimply adult we had a video store that rented unlimited VHS tapes (Yes I’m that old) for fifty cents a pop. This wonderful store also had a vast supply of horror movies full of rich rich 80′s gore and horror.

Did you know that renting a stack of tapes as high as my manly man nipple can cause psychological trauma to someone?

I didn’t either.

Now I’m so jaded and desensitized.  I only feel true terror when visiting my in-laws.
That’s a joke dang it! I know you read this blog

And this is why I don’t have a Twitter account, and I’m not allowed to text unsupervised anymore. These events are 100% true and are a testament to my everlasting shame and extreme lack of impulse control.

Sadly this was not an isolated incident as I continue to make poor life choices and depending on how much caffeine I’ve had I get what is “Lovingly” referred to as “the crankies.”

“The crankies” are a horrible degenerative condition that I TELL MY WIFE the only treatment is video games, Mt. Dew, and sex. To be administered frequently lest I have a relapse. Oh it’s a horrible condition, never the less I will nobly persevere in the face of adversity.

This will be me one day, when the zombies rise up. It’s only a matter of time. I hope I keep more of my hair though.

In most movies these days LAZY film makers seem to be stuck on one type of zombie. The viral zombie. Zombie bites human, human becomes zombie, zombie bites human…. repeat. That’s getting pretty damned old. Also I submit to you that if zombies are spread through bites alone humanity has nothing to worry about with a zombie uprising. We are simply too good at killing things as a species. (I’ll have you know I’m armed to the teeth and have no moral compass… so I’m good to go for the apocalypse.)

Now if you go with the zombie model from George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” they’ve got a shot. Not only is zombiism spread through bites, but anyone who dies, no matter the cause becomes a zombie.

Think about how badly that would suck. You are never safe no matter where you are because some idiot in your survivor group could be talking with his mouth full, choke to death when no one is looking and BOOM!, everyone dies.

Then there’s the Elderly, sorry but dieing in your sleep is no longer the preferred way to go. That’s a time bomb waiting to go off so keep an eye out on grandma if you know what’s good for you. Relationships with your spouse will also suffer as sleeping together at night will be a bit to risky. Separate bedrooms will become the norm in a future zombie apocalypse.

Sorry hon, but my room is where I’ll be keeping the shotguns.

I believe I have mentioned this debilitating disease I have before, it’s fairly common and yet has no known cure. It’s called “being an ass.” It’s just something I have to live with and sadly everyone around me has to live with it as well. Gleeeeeee!

So this comic is absolutely true, and yes I made a poor teenage girl cry. I guess I should probably feel shame about that.

Oh well, the important part of this story is that the cake was incredibly moist and very delicious. Really that’s what I want you to take a way from this comic.