The rules for surviving 80′s horror movies are the rules that I live my daily life by. I’m a child of the 80′s, which while being a silly decade full of permed hair and “Member’s Only Jackets” also gave us some of the greatest horror movie franchises of all times.
This is not an exhaustive list. There are many more rules for surviving 80′s horror movies,
- Don’t have sex or you’re gonna die (I tell my kids this all the time)
- Don’t do drugs or drink or you’re gonna die (The wages of sin must be punished)
- Don’t be a minority or you’re gonna die (The Black guy always dies first. Maybe serial killers are racist, I have no idea.)
- Never say “I’ll be right back” or “Who’s there?” (serial killers go murdery when they hear this.)
- Don’t babysit people’s kids (That little bugger is on their own…run)
- When running through the forest WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING DUMBASS! (Keep running and never look back. Honestly, how hard is that?)
- Cars only stop wherever the murderer/monster happens to be hanging out. (Make sure you have gas in the tank and maintain your vehicle, dummy)
- Don’t separate or you are going to get picked off one by one and die. (Honestly, if you separate you deserve horrible death)
- Curiosity Kills. Don’t investigate scary noises, houses, boats, woods, attics, basements, prisons, insane asylums, abandoned anythings, camp grounds, etc…. (Just stay home and watch Netflix)
- The villain will come back from the dead at least once, you’ll have to kill him twice… at least. (ALWAYS Double Tap, just to be sure)
- The two prettiest people always survive (If anyone is better looking than you in a horror movie try to quietly bump them off. That’s not murder, that’s self defense)
Like I said this is hardly a definitive list, there are many many more rules. I advise learning the rules for surviving 80′s horror movies by heart so that when an ax wielding psycho tries to kill you or a pin headed demon tries to get kinky with you you will be prepared.